Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be seen as? What do I want to be? What do I want to leave behind?
Over the last couple of years, I've found myself asking these questions and since I stated uni, they've definitely been frequent visitors in my mind. They seem to be pushing me to quite a 50/50 kind of choice, two different lifestyles, two different mindsets and two very different outcomes.
I feel divided, half of me wants to party and enjoy myself (as "these will be the greatest years of your life") etc but the other half wants to completely knuckle down and work, work on uni work and on my personal projects. This half wants to completely turn hustle mode ON. I'm going to call these two different parts of me, 'paths'. Because, it does sound all the more zen when you say 'path' ;).
Neither of these paths are bad, as always, it depends on what you want and how you want to live.
Path one is the more popular path at my stage in life. It's that of playing hard, having lots of friends, being popular, and partying. For me, it would be to continue as I have with my first semester at University. To continue to spend a lot of time not doing a whole lot and a lot of time out with friends enjoying myself and to concentrate on university deadlines only when they are looming.
Now this sounds like I would have had a bit of a bumpy first semester, but in reality, it was extremely successful. I met lots of good people, I completed all my work, excelling and even winning in university competitions. But still, I wasn't satisfied with how I was using my time. I felt my focus on The Healthy Tray withering and I felt myself get into a pattern of procrastination, which is never good.
The second path is very different, it's one that I feel like I need to take in order to achieve my goals and aspirations. It means cutting down on the partying, resuming my early starts, working hard on my university work while keeping my focus on my goals and working constantly on them.
Now, I can hear most of you saying, who in their right mind would choose Path 1?
However, you and I have to be aware that I've most probably painted the first path in a very bad light and the second in a rather good light. Still, knowing that, most would chose the second, and I want to as well.
What's stopping me?
Whether what I'm about to write is something that's actually stopping me or whether it's just an indecisive excuse I don't know. However, the main thing that is stopping me is that I don't want to regret this choice. I don't want to work incredibly hard now and realise later in life that it might have been a mistake, and that I shouldn't have sacrificed those fun years.
What I'm realising, as I write this ramble, is that I'm making everything too black and white, which is blurring my brain and creating unnecessary obstacles. I was speaking to my mum about this and she suggested that I could create a third path, one where I could take the best bits out of both. I dismissed this at first, I thought this would be an excuse not to work hard and to go halfheartedly. However, thinking about it now, my ideal of working constantly and having 0 procrastination might be a little off. After all, it would probably lead to constant stress and perhaps, unhappiness.
So... Path 3
The other two paths were formed from what people told me and what people showed me and how I the interpreted it. However, this path is going to be made by me, consciously. I will work very hard and I'll get up early. My time will be focused on three things: University, my goals and expanding my knowledge. I will spend time with friends, but I won't go to all the parties etc. Basically, I will have my 'play' time in moderation. The main thing is that I will VALUE my time. I won't spend all the idle time on my phone, or scrolling down Facebook, or mindlessly watching episodes of TV shows.
Actually, after writing this, I feel like I've had a big weight lifted off my shoulders, it's a good feeling. If you're still reading, well done ;) I'm not sure if any of you are as weird as me but if you have similar thoughts to mine here, I would suggest writing down your honest answers to the questions at the start. Reading them over, and then deciding on making your own 'path'.
In the end, there isn't really a choice between two 'paths', It's all just part of something that the brain makes up, but to stop the brain making it up, you might have to do the same as I've just done, to write everything out and to come to a conclusion. It might seem a little over the top and laborious, but it's helped me come to the conclusion that I was just cluttering my brain. The choice I made wasn't between the two paths, but it was still a choice and the main thing was, I made it consciously.